Oh my god, I'm a damned idiot.

I made out with a girl last night at the bar. It hasn't been a week since Karen left, and I've already fucked it up.

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck

Searching for my bike in the backyard. Upon inspection, I found that the backtire had a flat. So, Beyonce picks me up for school. She stands at the door waving me on to the back of the truck. I hop on and she's got a box of chicken for me. At the destination I hop off the truck, making the finishing touches on a piece of chicken. Before I throw it away, I realize that the piece of chicken bone is actually a human bone, and Beyonce did not really take me to school.

I sat in a small room with a lot of people in the midst of discussion. They were discussing whether to revive some of the dead bodies in the room. I silently wondered if the "chicken bone" I just ate was from one of these deceased bodies.

The discussion became heated. Legend had it that these bodies would be revived into blood thirsty human-eaters. Just then, I was plopped into a scene with one of these dead bodies, when that body, in their original life, had really lived in the 1600's. Shots were fired as we run away from a monstrously massive sailship about 100 yards away.

The discussion ends and the bodies are revived. Needless to say, they are ravenous beasts with no physical limits. We flee to the airport where someone has bought us tickets. I race down hallways, up stairs, around turns, and desperately try to find my way to the terminal. Someone points me in the right direction. There's an elevator. Heart pumping, I race in that direction but to no avail. The group beats me to it, and I watch in agony as the elevator doors close.

Wake up

I've felt on edge lately. The longer I wait, the more I feel like I'm barely holding my temper. Being nice is getting old, and I want to let it loose. There's one person in particular whose face I want to smash into the concrete, but the cost for that is much more than such fleeting pleasure. I'm so accustomed to holding back and smiling, that it's my immediate reaction. When I think about it, I'm getting low ratings and keeping my true emotions inside, but I'm afraid to unleash the real me on little kids. The me that wants to break out now is the angry drill sergeant. It would be nice to hold kids to the same standard of self-discipline that I held myself when I was a kid and still do. Sure, they're Korean kids that study hard, but school is not that hard.

I never took to my mom's codling, and I've never had a younger brother or sister to look after. I'm strictly business, and that's what makes me tick. I'm not thinking of what the kids are thinking; I'm just thinking of what I want them to do. The problem is my nice ass attitude is annoying the shit out of me right now. I care what people think of me, but I feel like I just can't control what they think. All the fake smiling and joking is for nothing. Fuck it.

Maybe I just need a difficult outlet, which now that I think about it, is also a problem. Where can I find a competitive physical challenge in this country? I'm not in school anymore. I can't just join the soccer team, and it's not like there's any coworkers of mine willing or capable to give me a challenge.

What started this rant was the low ratings I got from my CW students. I wish I could be the funny, relaxed, entertaining teacher. As much as I try, I apparently have failed in this endeavor, which is why it feels so tempting to fall back to my instincts. Fuck jokes. Fuck fake smiles. I only wish I didn't have the ratings monkey on my back. I know it won't cost me my job if I get low ratings, but I always want to be the best. It seems that in this area, I can't have both. I can either be the real me (happy) with low ratings, or the fake me, and as always, get low ratings.

Well, they've always told me I was too nice. Maybe this adjustment will simply make me normal.